[Jokes from July 14, 2016]
“Donald Trump is expected to officially announce his running mate at an event tomorrow and all week reports said it was down to three finalists: Mike Pence, Chris Christie, or those two candidates combined, Newt Gingrich.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich praised Donald Trump in a new interview and said he’s like a figure out of a movie. Yeah, he’s the monkey from ‘Outbreak.'” – Seth Meyers
“A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump’s people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, ‘For the last time, I’m Whoopi Goldberg.'” – Seth Meyers
“CBS News has learned that Donald Trump has chosen Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. Now, it turns out when the story that Trump picked him was being reported, Trump hadn’t called Mike Pence yet. So Mike, if you are watching, ‘Surprise!'” – Stephen Colbert
“According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, ‘Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.'” – Conan O’Brien
“In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent.” – Stephen Colbert
“A new survey shows that Donald Trump is polling at zero percent among black voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania. I don’t know. That seems a little high.” – Seth Meyers
“Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color.” – Seth Meyers
“Former quarterback Tim Tebow is scheduled to speak at next week’s Republican Convention. Trump was even going to have Tebow throw his signature hats into the crowd, but he wasn’t sure they’d make it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton’s private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don’t know.” – Stephen Colbert
“Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a ‘sadistic nurse’. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Man, I wish.'” – Conan O’Brien
“We are just a few weeks from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said he wishes he had the time to play Pokémon Go. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Oh, you will.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The mayor of Rio is pleading with Nintendo to release Pokémon Go in Brazil just in time for the Olympics. He’s even introduced Rio’s own Pokémon character, ‘Zikachu’.” – Conan O’Brien
