[Jokes from July 12, 2016]
“The L.A. Times just revealed that Bill Clinton has demanded private jets to get to speaking engagements. In their defense, Bill and Hillary need private jets ‘cuz they’re the only planes that can fit ALL of their baggage.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today, Bernie Sanders officially endorsed Hillary Clinton at a rally in New Hampshire. Hillary said she’s glad Bernie is behind her 100 percent, then Bernie said, ‘Let’s just start off with 1 percent.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton has angered many of his supporters. Many of them are threatening to not vote for her when they don’t vote in November.” – Conan O’Brien
“Sadly, today we lost the bravest tribute of all. A man who we actually lost months ago, but who courageously kept pretending not to be dead because, today, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton.” – Stephen Colbert
“Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton this afternoon and told his supporters that while he lost the primary, the revolution continues. Though I don’t think he should have ended by saying, ‘Seize her!'” – Seth Meyers
“This morning, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton. So, as promised, this afternoon, the Clinton campaign released Bernie Sanders’ wife.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders gave a speech where he endorsed Hillary Clinton, effectively ending his campaign. When asked what he’ll do next, Bernie was like, ‘Live my dream and be a contestant on ‘The Bachelorette’!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Before giving his endorsement, Bernie Sanders noted that Hillary only has 389 more pledged delegates than him going into the convention. Then he said, ‘But I, on the other hand, have caught 400 more Pokémon!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The game Pokémon Go is actually making people visit remote, potentially dangerous areas. On the bright side, they finally found a way to get people to attend the Rio Olympics.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. has had to ask visitors to stop coming there to catch Pokémon characters because they say it’s inappropriate. The players said, ‘We’re so sorry, can you direct us to the Vietnam Memorial?'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Washington Times is now reporting that Indiana Gov. Mike Pence has a 95 percent chance of being Donald Trump’s pick for vice president. I’m not saying Chris Christie’s upset, but he was last seen at the top of the Empire State Building swatting at planes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that Donald Trump ‘says whatever comes into his head.’ To which Trump responded, ‘That is not true, clambucket pencil raft!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump has begun referring to himself as the ‘law and order’ candidate, while his sons look more like ‘Law & Order’ suspects.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump has begun referring to himself as the ‘law and order’ candidate, though I think that title should go to Hillary, since she’s also been running for the last 25 years.” – Seth Meyers
“Last week Donald Trump vowed to protect Article 12 of the Constitution despite the fact that the Constitution only has seven articles. Said Trump, ‘I don’t know. I don’t read it for the articles.'” – Seth Meyers
“The Republican National Convention is next week. Quick programming note — the ‘Late Show’ will be live every single night. So tune in for a mockery of our political system — and then watch the ‘Late Show!'” – Stephen Colbert
“We in the media have enjoyed every minute of this knock-down, drag-out fight, reveling in the political fisticuffs like it’s some kind of vicious blood sport — like it’s the ‘Hunger games.’ No, it’s worse than that. It’s the Hungry for Power Games!” – Stephen Colbert
“Gay Republicans are pushing for pro-LGBT language in the GOP platform. In response, the GOP said, ‘Not gonna happen, girlfriend.'” – Conan O’Brien
“So few remain. But the bar is closing and America has to go home with someone.” – Stephen Colbert
“Jeb Bush yesterday said in an interview that Donald Trump is a master at understanding how the media works. Whereas Jeb did the entire interview with the lens cap on.” – Seth Meyers
