[Jokes from June 22, 2016]
“Things are really heating up between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Hillary gave a speech yesterday attacking Trump, and then today, Trump gave a counter-speech attacking Hillary. Which means 2016 will always be remembered as the election of ‘Shut up’ — ‘No, you shut up.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump has been stepping up his attacks on Hillary Clinton. He just launched a new website called LyingCrookedHillary.com. Which I tried to go on like five times today. Every time I only got a blank page. I told him not to hire the guys who set up the Obamacare website. He didn’t listen.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a speech today, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton, calling her ‘a world class liar’ and ‘the most corrupt person to seek the presidency.’ Trump then said, ‘Wait a second, I think I’m in love.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump said the public doesn’t know anything about Hillary in terms of her religion, whereas we do know that he is a man of deep faith. In fact, his faith is so deep you can barely see any sign of it. His faith is like one of these see-through fish at the very, very bottom of the ocean.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump gave a speech today on what he called the failed policies and bad judgment of Hillary Clinton. And he’s right, her judgment isn’t always great, but nobody will listen to him because his judgment is so much worse.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary gave this speech about Trump yesterday and said, quote, ‘He’s written a lot of books about business, but they all seem to end at Chapter 11.’ Then Bernie Sanders said, ‘Even I felt that burn!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders admitted today that he doesn’t believe he can become the Democratic nominee. He also said it might be time to give up on his dream of qualifying for the X Games.” – Seth Meyers
“Bernie Sanders admitted today that he ‘doesn’t appear’ to be the nominee. Just to make sure, Bernie said he’ll stay in the race for two more years.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders today told reporters he’s not sure if he will be asked to speak at the upcoming Democratic convention. But he does know he won’t be asked to speak up.” – Seth Meyers
“While he was back at the Capitol yesterday, Bernie Sanders accidentally went to the Republican lunchroom. Bernie knew he wasn’t in the Democrats’ lunchroom when he couldn’t get a free lunch.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Donald Trump called on Bernie Sanders’ supporters to support him instead. Trump said, ‘Ignore my policy positions, just focus on my New York accent and crazy hair.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Anti-Trump Republicans have reportedly been re-energized by reports that Donald Trump’s campaign is having financial problems that could lead to an alternative GOP nominee. ‘Awesome,’ said Jeb Bush, before slipping on a banana peel and falling into a manhole.” – Seth Meyers
“To protest the lack of gun control reform, Congressional Democrats are sitting on the floor of the House. The sit-in consists of more than 30 Democrats and two Republicans who thought it was a hot yoga class.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ted Cruz today endorsed Marco Rubio’s campaign for re-election in the Senate. And when those two work together, there’s nothing they can do.” – Seth Meyers
“Nearly 1 million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That’s compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage.” – Conan O’Brien
