[Jokes from May 24, 2016]
“If the 2016 GOP primary season taught us anything, it’s that Republicans can’t tell the difference between a deep bench and the bottom of a barrel.” – Bill Harnsberger
“I saw that today, Donald Trump held a big rally in New Mexico. Which is weird, since he’s spent his whole campaign promising to ban NEW Mexicans.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, a North Korean official turned down an offer by Donald Trump to visit the country and meet with Kim Jong Un, saying the offer is ‘propaganda’ and ‘nonsense’. This doesn’t make Trump look good. You know you’re in trouble when the leader of North Korea is like, ‘I can’t associate myself with that guy.'” – James Corden
“Trump got turned down for a meeting with Kim Jong Un. So I guess his search for a vice president isn’t going so well. Seriously, how do you get denied by North Korea?” – James Corden
“Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are ‘just words’ read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, ‘I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate.” – Conan O’Brien
“A recent survey found that Donald Trump is polling very badly among Asian-Americans. After hearing this, Trump said, ‘That’s odd, I haven’t even gotten around to insulting them yet. I got great material on them.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie said yesterday that his critics call him ‘Santa Claus’ because of his white hair. Then Santa said, ‘Yeah — even I don’t promise people THAT much free stuff.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders today campaigned in California just a few miles from Disneyland. Either that, or Grumpy was on a lunch break.” – Seth Meyers
“In an interview last night, Bernie Sanders talked about the chaotic primary season, saying, ‘Democracy is messy. Every day my life is messy.’ Which is exactly the kind of comment you’d expect from a guy who always looks like he just rolled down a hill.” – Seth Meyers
