[Jokes from May 20 & 23, 2016]
“While at a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘If you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life.’ Then Trump looked at Christie and said, ‘Well, except be President.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob … even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, ‘That’s between me and Donny Three Wives.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be ‘four more years of stupidity.’ As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Trump’s behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. While the rest of the world was like, ‘Yeah, and we’re loving this!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll shows that almost half of registered voters say they would consider a third-party candidate as an alternative to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. A third-party candidate is a little bit like a Tinder date. You think to yourself, what have I got to lose? Can’t be worse than my ex.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together’. Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” – Conan O’Brien
“There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House went into lockdown yesterday after several balloons drifted onto the property. Even worse, Bernie Sanders’ house was attached to them.” –Seth Meyers
