“Beautiful day in New York City today: it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky.” -David Letterman
“But this is a good part of the campaign. Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. You enjoy it when it gets nasty? Listen to this: today John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Ouch.” -David Letterman
“This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide, which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office.” -Conan O’Brien
“Everybody’s still talking about the presidential debate the other night. How boring it was. Experts say neither candidate scored a knockout punch. Well, I don’t know about that. After about ten minutes, I was out like a light.” -Jay Leno
“But the first debate was at podiums, and the debate this week was what they call the town hall. The format for the next debate is going to be fun: dunk tanks.” -David Letterman
“McCain criticized Barack Obama for saying he would invade Pakistan to go after Bin Laden. McCain said he would never telegraph his punches. Well, telegraph maybe, e-mail no.” -Jay Leno
“Obama says there is nothing to the accusations of a friendship with ’60s radical Bill Ayers. He says Ayers is a person he knew early in his career, but now plays no role in his campaign. You know, kinda like the Clintons.” -Jay Leno
“At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeline Albright that she read off a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming, ‘America Runs On Dunkin.'” -Amy Poehler
“In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she’s now qualified to be an astronaut.” -Jay Leno
“According to the National Enquirer, Britney Spears’ younger sister Jaime Lynn Spears, is pregnant again, according to the National Enquirer. But the good news is, Sarah Palin has named her an honorary Alaskan.” -Jay Leno
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over.” -David Letterman
“As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government’s new $700 billion plan, saying, ‘It’s going to take a while.’ Of the course the good news is, he’s never been right.” -Seth Meyers
“The economy is so bad, today, I saw Bill Maher praying. That’s how bad. People in San Francisco can only afford Rice now; no more Roni. … I saw Mrs. Fields today selling Girl Scout cookies. That’s how bad. Saw a guy at Costco buying one roll of toilet paper. That’s how bad. The economy is so bad now pigs can no longer afford lipstick.” -Jay Leno
“And everybody in New York City is worried about the economy, everybody is hurting. The hookers down in Times Square, bless their hearts, listen to this: because of the economy, they now have to work past the retirement age of 65.” -David Letterman
“Hey, how many are worried about Iran’s nuclear enrichment program? How many are more worried about our CEO-enrichment program? Here’s something that’s gonna make you mad: remember last week after Congress grilled those AIG executives, after taking our $85 billion in bailout money and spending half a million at that fancy resort, well this week they asked for and got another $37.5 billion. And earlier this week they announced they’re going on another retreat, this time with golf and massages at the Ritz-Carlton hotel at Half Moon Bay here in California. Instead of a bailout, how about locking these guys up with no bail?” -Jay Leno
“Let me ask you something: didn’t we buy this company? Don’t we own it now? Why don’t we all show up at the Ritz-Carlton next week. Hey, where’s our massage?” -Jay Leno
“Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off the show, “The Biggest Loser.” Yeah, that leaves two contestants, the C.E.O. of A.I.G. and the C.E.O. of Lehman Brothers.” -Conan O’Brien
“Here’s another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.” -David Letterman
