“We’re learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He’s on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, ‘Why is he running for president?'” –Jay Leno
“I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. … He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. … He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, ‘I’m in aisle three, Marge. I can’t find the brownie mix.'” –David Letterman
“And John McCain, as you know, has released all his medical records. All indications are McCain is in very good health. But of course, they’re still waiting for that report from the coroner.” –Jay Leno
“They say McCain does take some medication, including Ambien to help him sleep. But they said he could eliminate the sleeping pills if he picks Mitt Romney as vice president.” –Jay Leno
“McCain’s doctor said Senator McCain is decades younger than his age. But then, so is President Bush, who is, what, in his early 60s? But he has the mind of a 12-year-old.” –Jay Leno
“Let’s talk about the presidential Democratic primary. Over the weekend, I guess you know this, Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rican primary. Yeah, and you know what that means? Now she is president of Puerto Rico.” –David Letterman
“In his new book, President Bush’s former press secretary said that Bush has a lack of inquisitiveness. Yeah. When he heard this, Bush said, ‘I don’t know what he’s saying, and I don’t care.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Speaking of President Bush, yesterday — this is true — during a speech, President Bush said that his economic stimulus package is working, because when people use extra money to buy a machine, that creates jobs at ‘the machine-making place’. Yeah. Then Bush introduced his new speech writer, a 6-year-old boy named Timmy.” –Conan O’Brien
“Well, it looks like the Democrats finally solved their delegate problem. It seems the Democratic Party rules panel agreed to allow delegates from Florida and Michigan to take part in the convention, but each delegate will only count as half a vote. You’ve heard of superdelegates? These are the new fun-sized delegates.” –Jay Leno
“Barack Obama says he’s now looking for a new church, preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence.” –Jay Leno
