“Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn’t yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was recently arrested and charged with battery of a female reporter after he allegedly grabbed and twisted her arm, but Trump is dismissing the allegations and is standing by his campaign manager. I know what you are thinking — how is this the one time that Trump doesn’t say, ‘You’re fired.'” – James Corden
“Donald Trump suggested this morning that his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who has been accused of harshly grabbing a reporter at a rally, could have just been keeping her from falling down. Sure. And Bill Cosby was just helping those ladies get a good night’s sleep.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump’s explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he’s a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives.” – James Corden
“Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said ‘Well, Cooper rhymes with ‘pooper.'” – Conan O’Brien
“All the candidates who promised to support the Republican nominee no matter who it was now say they might not. Back in September they all signed a pledge to support the eventual Republican nominee, but that was when no one thought the nominee would be Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump only signed the pledge because he assumed they were asking for his autograph.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last night was the GOP town hall on CNN and of course all of the focus was on Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. I have to say, Trump and Cruz are turning into the real-life version of ‘Batman v Superman’: It’s taking too long and it sucks.” – James Corden
“At yet another town hall last night, Ted Cruz was asked about his weaknesses, and admitted that he’s ‘hard-charging’ and has stepped on some toes. Then he was like, ‘But enough about my high school prom.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Marco Rubio reportedly wants to play a role in the upcoming Republican convention. It all depends on whether or not they need a sign-spinner.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study has found that people often zone out on purpose when the tasks they’re doing are not challenging enough. So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified?” – Seth Meyers
“An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, ‘It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!'” – Seth Meyers
