“Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, ‘There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump won yesterday’s Arizona Republican primary with almost 50 percent of the vote. He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat.” – Seth Meyers
“Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new poll that just came out, a majority of Trump voters believe that white people are losing out to minorities. The poll was taken at an NBA game.” – Conan O’Brien
“An editor for The Washington Post says that Donald Trump actually hit on her after she asked him a question. To be fair, the question was, ‘What do you consider torture?’ The answer: ‘Going on a date with me?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s a website called VoteTrumpGetDumped.com that’s asking women not to sleep with Trump supporters. Or as Melania put it, ‘What is name of this site again?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, an anti-Trump super PAC tweeted a nude photo of Melania Trump, asking if this should be the first lady. The response was an overwhelming ‘Hell no, she should be president!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they’re against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, ‘Guilty!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the Arizona primary yesterday, Republican voters had to wait as long as five hours. People in Arizona were furious and said, ‘That’s time I could have spent deporting my gardener.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, President Obama and Cuban President Raúl Castro watched a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national baseball team. The Rays won, so the Cuban team was sent to prison.” – Conan O’Brien
