“Here’s the latest on President Obama’s trip to Cuba. I saw that over the weekend he and his family were photographed on a walking tour of Havana in the pouring rain. Which means the president is like everyone’s dad on vacation: If he paid for the non-refundable tour, you’re going on that non-refundable tour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama today gave a televised address to Cubans. And thousands of citizens eagerly gathered around Cuba’s television.” – Seth Meyers
“Obama also spoke in Cuba yesterday and said that U.S. airlines will start making commercial flights to Cuba this year. But first, Obama said he wants to see a greater respect for human rights — not in Cuba, at LaGuardia.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, ‘we don’t need a wall.’ Then Bernie said, ‘But then again, I also told Noah we didn’t need an Ark, so who knows?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie can get very fired up. I watch him on these debates. But remember, if it seems like he’s yelling at you, it’s because he is yelling at you and you deserve it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Over the weekend at a Bernie Sanders rally, a woman took off her top and revealed anti-Trump messages. Witnesses say she made two good points.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders has ignited a lot of passion, primarily among young people. And the incredible thing is he did it without posting even a single nude selfie.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“My favorite part about watching Bernie in debates is how he’s always got his finger up like he’s trying to flag down a waiter to get the check.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After facing attack ads focused on his past derogatory comments toward women, Donald Trump said yesterday, ‘Nobody respects women more than I do.’ And then Melania rolled her eyes so hard, she saw brain.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump met with the editorial board of The Washington Post yesterday and called one of the editors ‘beautiful’ when she asked him a question. In his defense, the question was ‘what’s the longest word you know?'” – Seth Meyers
“Trump’s campaign manager is denying reports that he drunk-dials female reporters and comes onto them. Trump’s campaign manager said, ‘I wasn’t drunk.'” – Conan O’Brien
“There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“One of Donald Trump’s most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is working on a new gig. Sarah Palin is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn’t have a title yet but they’re thinking about calling it ‘Terrible Idea.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin has just signed up to star in her own ‘Judge Judy’-style reality show. Palin said she knows how to deal with drunks, deadbeat dads, and barroom brawlers — and that’s just her family.” – Conan O’Brien
“In an interview with CNN last night, Ted Cruz was asked about being Donald Trump’s vice president and said, quote, ‘I have zero interest whatsoever.’ Which is also what Cruz’s friends say when he invites them to dinner. You could’ve just said no!” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s a strange thing. People wanting to run the country are now hosting reality shows and people hosting reality shows now want to run the country. We live in a very confusing time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
