“Tonight in Houston, Texas, there was yet another Republican debate. Even the people on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ were like, ‘How long does this go on?'” – Jimmy Fallon
You can tell the candidates are getting bored up there ’cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon
U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, ‘You know, I’m good up here.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Oscars are this Sunday, which marks the official end of Black History Month.
CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either ‘for Mr. Trump’ or ‘para El Diablo’.” – Seth Meyers
“It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called ‘Hypocrisy Cove’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington ’cause he also wore a fantastic wig.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview, Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good ’cause if she ever becomes first lady she’ll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump has a powerful new enemy and his name is Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney, the JC Penny mannequin who came to life and ran for president four years ago? He’s back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Romney said there will be a bombshell in Donald Trump’s tax returns once they are released, and added that he’s either not as rich as he says he is or he didn’t give money to the veterans or disabled people like he’s been saying he does. How is that a bombshell? Of course he’s not as rich as he says he is. He’s not as anything as he says he is.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Mitt Romney recently accused Trump of having a bombshell in his tax returns, then Trump responded by tweeting that Romney blew an election. Yeah, Donald Trump is fighting with Mitt Romney. Even the Oscars were like, ‘That’s just too white.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be a presenter at Sunday night’s Oscars. So, diversity problem — solved!” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, ‘I thought he looked familiar.'” – Conan O’Brien
“There is a new website for Bernie supporters who are looking for love. It’s called Berniesingles.com. In fairness, it makes sense that Bernie would have a dating website because he looks just like the eHarmony guy.” – James Corden
“On Bernie’s website you have two choices. You can swipe left or swipe far left.
The Clintons also have their own dating website. It’s called Ashley Madison.” – James Corden
“A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie’s campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It’s like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles.” – James Corden
