“Today was the New Hampshire primary. This is a big deal. All the candidates spent the day with their supporters, except for Ben Carson who’s still waiting in the hallway.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After a disappointing result in Iowa, Ben Carson is polling 8th in New Hampshire. Carson said he’s looking forward to eventually campaigning in a state that has some black people.” – Conan O’Brien
“The New Hampshire primary was today and in Dixville Notch, the first town to complete voting, Republican candidate John Kasich won, beating Donald Trump by just one vote. Honestly, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called ‘Dixville’.” – Seth Meyers
“Not only was today the New Hampshire primary, it was also National Pizza Day. So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech.” – Jimmy Fallon
“When asked about legalizing marijuana, Chris Christie said, ‘Get high now, because when I’m president it’s over.’ If Chis Christie thinks he’s going to be president — he may be high.” – Conan O’Brien
“At an event yesterday, Chris Christie was endorsed by the Cake Boss. The Cake Boss introduced Christie as ‘the guy who put all my kids through college’.” – Conan O’Brien
“During a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Marco Rubio what they called a ‘Marco Rubio burger.’ It’s called the Marco Rubio burger because Chris Christie eats it for lunch.” – Seth Meyers
“Following accusations that he has an overly rehearsed speaking style, Marco Rubio was chased to his campaign bus by a group of protesters dressed as robots and calling themselves ‘Marco Roboto’ and the ‘Rubio Talking Point 3000.’ So one thing’s for sure: Unemployment is still a major problem.” – Seth Meyers
“Going into New Hampshire, Jeb Bush was polling at 5th place. Not among the candidates, among the members of the Bush family.” – Conan O’Brien
“Jeb pulled out the big gun. He had his mother, Barbara, out campaigning for him this week and they did a bunch of interviews together. It was really funny to see Jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom — it looked like a parent-teacher conference.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Jeb Bush was caught on video yesterday throwing a snowball at an NBC reporter in New Hampshire. Though Jeb says the snowball was just meant to represent his chances of winning.” – Seth Meyers
“This is the 100th anniversary of the New Hampshire primary. They’ve been doing this primary in New Hampshire since Bernie Sanders was 5 years old.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bernie is very popular in New Hampshire. Hillary Clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words ‘life expectancy for old man in snowy weather.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
