“I saw that the unemployment rate in the U.S. just fell below 5 percent, which is the lowest it’s been in eight years. When asked for comment on the number of unemployed Americans, Obama said, ‘Uh … I can’t wait to be one of them!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a recent interview, the Obamas complained that the Wi-Fi in the White House is weak. That’s why, as of this morning, President Obama and his family have moved into a Starbucks.” – Conan O’Brien
“On Saturday ABC News hosted the eighth Republican debate and the big moment was in the beginning, when Ben Carson didn’t come out because he couldn’t hear his name when he was introduced. It’s OK, Ben, we know you’re not supposed to wake a sleepwalker.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A Republican insider compared Marco Rubio’s debate performance to ‘looking at your iPhone and the video freezes and says it’s buffering.’ After hearing this, Bernie Sanders said, ‘A what doing what?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Chris Christie, in a new interview, continued to criticize Marco Rubio for his performance in this weekend’s debate and said Rubio is scripted and not spontaneous. To which Marco Rubio replied, ‘That’s not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point.'” – Seth Meyers
“While campaigning in New Hampshire, Jeb Bush said that Marco Rubio has never been challenged in his life. Then Jeb told the shocking story about the time his father put him in charge of his own trust fund.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said this weekend that he feels the Iowa caucus results were ‘very unfair’ to himself and Dr. Ben Carson. Other things Trump considers unfair to him include Google, sidewalks, shoelaces, oxygen, and Dame Judi Dench.” – Seth Meyers
