“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious’. And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said ‘these guys are crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Earlier tonight on Fox News was the Republican presidential debate without Donald Trump, which is kind of like Corn Flakes without the milk.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If this were WWE, Donald Trump would have shown up in Iowa tonight with a mask and a folding chair and started beating everyone over the head.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s ‘an eye for an eye’. When told the actual quote from the New Testament is ‘turn the other cheek’, Trump said, ‘Hey, no gay stuff’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he’s having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He’s had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump got a major endorsement this week from the reverend Jerry Falwell Jr. It does seem strange that a Christian leader would endorse a candidate who’s kind of a poster child for the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and Sloth; which in this case is living on his head.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Mike Huckabee has released a campaign video where he parodies Adele’s song ‘Hello.’ And just like Adele, we only hear from Mike Huckabee every four years.” – Conan O’Brien
“On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is acting a little Donald Trump-y and said he wants more debates but not on Hillary Clinton’s terms, he wants them on his own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
