“Donald Trump announced that he’s not going to participate in the Fox News debate tomorrow night. The other candidates are really excited to present their views in a serious, yet respectful manner — which means they haven’t been told that nobody is going to watch this one.” – Jimmy Fallon
I have to believe Jeb Bush is excited. It’s like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Dr. Ben Carson said today that although Donald Trump has announced he will boycott the debate, Carson ‘wouldn’t be surprised if he did show up.’ Then again, it’s Ben Carson. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn.” – Seth Meyers
“Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him ‘mano a mano’. In response, Trump said, ‘See, he’s not from this country.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump is refusing to take part in the debate on Fox News tomorrow night because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. This morning he tweeted, ‘I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter.’ The reason that he doesn’t like her is he claims Megyn Kelly is unfair, which makes sense. Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, ‘Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.’ A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show.” – Seth Meyers
“Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, ‘What can I say, I’m prone to getting carried away by hot air.” – Jimmy Fallon
“When did the Republican race for president turn into ‘The Real Housewives?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A recent poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the most recognizable faces of the 2016 campaign. While Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie just have the most face.” – Seth Meyers
“In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters.” – Conan O’Brien
“An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Hey man, that’s the key to every party.'” – Conan O’Brien
“At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that ‘in many areas judgment should be left to God.’ Then God was like, ‘OK. You really shouldn’t have deleted all those emails.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called ‘Bernie’s Yearning.’ It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, ‘Pantsuit Email Crunch’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The advocacy group One Million Moms has called for a boycott of the new Fox show ‘Lucifer’ because they believe the series ‘glorifies Satan’, and is complaining to the show’s main sponsor, Olive Garden. Wait, Olive Garden sponsors Lucifer? I always assumed it was the other way around.” – Seth Meyers
