“We have Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio on the show tonight! To make sure Marco feels comfortable during the interview, we have five other guys who’ll interrupt him every time he talks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a ‘weak-kneed capitulator in chief.’ When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, ‘Of course I do — it’s one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After Sarah Palin’s rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, ‘I was fresh out of nonsense.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said today that he didn’t expect Sarah Palin to speak for ‘quite that long’ during her rambling endorsement speech earlier this week. She did speak for over 20 minutes, but remember, for Sarah Palin, that’s only three sentences.” – Seth Meyers
“A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien
“Music icon Cher said recently, ‘Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS?’ So if you’re looking for a plan to defeat ISIS, I wouldn’t count on Cher either.” – Seth Meyers
Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called ‘Trumpeters’. And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called ‘clinically depressed.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Jeb tweeted today that if Donald Trump is the nominee Hillary Clinton will be elected president and we can’t let that happen. Jeb is painting himself as the only candidate who can beat Hillary. Meanwhile his brother George is at home painting portraits of his dog.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders’ son calls his dad ‘the Bernster.’ While Jeb Bush’s son calls him ‘my mom’s friend Jeb’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rapper Will.i.am is supporting Hillary Clinton for president, whereas rapper Killer Mike said he endorses Bernie Sanders. When told all of this, Sanders said, ‘What the hell are you talking about?'” – Conan O’Brien
“A recent poll found that 10 percent of college graduates think Judge Judy once served on the Supreme Court. To be fair, it’s the same 10 percent that think Justice Antonin Scalia is the Cake Boss.” – Seth Meyers
