“This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he’d go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he’d build them, he said, ‘Right in front of the White House.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying ‘There’s nothing like it.’ Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, ‘Well, then you’re all set.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because ‘Trump’ sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump.” – Seth Meyers
“Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show ‘Running Wild’ with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine.” – James Corden
“People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That’s nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster.” – James Corden
“At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he’s got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: ‘Hell-no’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like healthcare and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye.” – James Corden
“Fun fact: Bernie makes that same face when the waiter at Canter’s Deli brings him the wrong soup.” – James Corden
“In a new interview with Time Magazine, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said that he’s never worn a tuxedo in his life. When asked what he got married in, Bernie said, ‘1879’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a recent poll, Hillary Clinton has a better chance than Bernie Sanders at beating Donald Trump. While Martin O’Malley still has a good chance of beating traffic.” – Seth Meyers
“Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘You had me at L.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It’s like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he’s started signing every bill in Congress with: ‘Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack.'” – James Corden
“Obama even appeared on Jerry Seinfeld’s show, ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.’ How about less ‘comedians in cars getting coffee’ and more ‘presidents in the White House getting legislation passed through both houses of Congress.'” – James Corden
