“Tonight, President Obama gave his final State of the Union address, and a lot of people said it had a more optimistic tone. That’s right, instead of seeing the glass half-empty, Obama sees the presidency seven-eighths OVER.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tonight before a joint session of Congress, President Obama delivered his seventh and final State of the Union address. In this one he tried to focus on the positive. For example, he’s positive nothing he proposes will get done over the next year.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In the lead-up to tonight’s State of the Union address, House Speaker Paul Ryan accused President Obama of plotting to set verbal traps for Republicans. Responded Obama, ‘Losersayswhat?'” – Seth Meyers
“Republicans control both houses so it’s going to be very difficult for the president to pass any new legislation. The only bill more unpopular than a bill from President Obama right now is a Bill Cosby.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The New York Times is describing President Obama’s State of the Union as ‘a balance of terror and reality’. Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House joined Snapchat yesterday. It’s a great platform for the White House, because moments after you make a promise, it magically disappears.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama tonight delivered his final State of the Union address. Now, we tape this show early, but I’m guessing he was interrupted dozens of times by applause and twice when Hillary Clinton tried to tag in.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, ‘Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight was Paul Ryan’s first State of the Union as speaker of the House. But get this, Ben Carson recently said that several Republican congressmen actually tried to recruit HIM for the job. Of course then they’d have to call him ‘whisperer of the House.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Marco Rubio’s campaign said that it expects to lose the first four states in the primary elections, but thinks he can win the nomination anyway. Which is sort of like not getting a rose on ‘The Bachelor’, and being like, ‘Call me!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The other Republican candidates keep attacking Marco Rubio implying he’s a child. However, Rubio has hit back against these charges, threatening repeatedly to ‘tell Mom’.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s been nearly two weeks since members of an anti-government militia took over a federal bird sanctuary in Oregon in order to protest the government’s control of federal lands. The members of the militia are heavily armed with AR-15s, AK-47s, and other lethal weaponry one would expect to find on a bunch of dudes guarding some cockatoos.” – James Corden
“Ammon Bundy, the leader of the militia, has compared his occupation of the wildlife refuge to that of Rosa Parks. And I think we all remember when Rosa Parks got on a public bus, sat down, then whipped out an AK-47 and threatened to kill anyone who made her change seats.” – James Corden
“The militia are short on supplies, and have released a wish list of items they hope people will donate to their cause. You have to see this list. These guys did not plan ahead. They’re asking for four aprons, ice scrapers, candles, throw rugs. It’s like a wedding registry for the most boring couple you know.” – James Corden
“There is only one thing they say they needed badly on this list — eggs. They need eggs badly, at a bird sanctuary.” – James Corden
“Ben & Jerry’s ice cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being, we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich.” – Jimmy Fallon
“As you all know, Sean Penn recently interviewed El Chapo. Not to be outdone, Keanu Reeves now wants to interview El Niño.” – Conan O’Brien
