“Some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs, and the sales of hoverboards.” – Jimmy Fallon
“White House press secretary Josh Earnest said that Trump’s statement about banning Muslim immigrants ‘disqualifies’ him from being president. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like, ‘You can get disqualified? What do I need to do?!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview with People magazine, President Obama said that his favorite book of the year was a novel called ‘Fates and Furies’. While Hillary Clinton said HER favorite book of the year was ‘Whatever yours was.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow is the fifth Republican presidential debate. And if you’ve been keeping score, so far the winner of most of the Republican debates has been … Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over on the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton has been responding to Donald Trump’s comments about banning Muslims with a message of love, and said she wants to ‘weed out hate’ and ‘plant love and kindness’ instead. Then Bill went in for a kiss and Hillary was like, ‘Not now. Later. I’m talking to the people.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new national poll, Donald Trump has support from 41 percent of Republican voters. This story was first reported when it was yelled by Donald Trump. – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, ‘Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet.” – Conan O’Brien
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said today that Donald Trump is fanning the flames of hate. Which is what Donald Trump calls blow-drying his hair.” – Seth Meyers
“A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club.” – Conan O’Brien
“The international climate talks in Paris wrapped up this weekend with 195 countries reaching a landmark agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions. And then they all drove to the airport in 195 cars.” – Seth Meyers
“They’re predicting the film [Star Wars] could gross more than $2 billion. The United States just promised $800 million as part of the Paris agreement to fight climate change, which means we’re spending more than twice as much to see ‘Star Wars’ as we are to save the actual world.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Paris climate agreement calls for countries to try and keep the temperature of the planet from rising more than 2 degrees. Or in other words, they have the same attitude about the Earth’s temperature that your dad has about the thermostat: ‘Who turned this up?'” – Jimmy Fallon
