“The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump’s campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a ‘total and complete shutdown’ of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump got a lot of people upset when he released a statement yesterday that called for a ban on Muslims entering the United States, and even Dick Cheney said he’d gone too far. You know it’s bad when Dick Cheney steps in to say, ‘Come on, have a heart, any heart.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Dick Cheney said Donald Trump’s comments yesterday go against everything America stands for. Cheney said, ‘In other words, he’s got my full support.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump said he would not put Muslims in internment camps. He said they would all stay at his luxurious new ‘Trump Hotel and Internment Resort.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new report claims ISIS has been using American weapons in their fight against the United States. The weapons include tanks, rifles, and Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien
“The New York Times analyzed the 95,000 words that Trump used in speeches last week and found patterns that aren’t common in most presidents’ speeches. Apparently Abraham Lincoln never insulted Rosie O’Donnell.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said he could call Bill Gates and ask him to close down the Internet. Then Bill Gates said he could call Donald Trump and explain how the Internet actually works.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House pastry chef made a 500-pound dark chocolate gingerbread White House. Obama was like, ‘Uh, but you made a REGULAR gingerbread house for all the OTHER presidents…'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama reportedly met Hillary Clinton yesterday for a secret lunch at the White House. And then when lunch ended, Hillary said, ‘OK, thanks for coming over.'” –Seth Meyers
“Bernie Sanders just unveiled a new climate change plan, and he promised to cut back on fossil fuels. Bernie really wants to cut down on fossil fuels — especially because they’re made from his high school friends.” – Jimmy Fallon
