Political Irony

“The fourth Republican presidential debate was tonight! And if you’ve watched all four … you do know about Netflix, right?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight was the fourth Republican presidential debate featuring Donald Trump, Ben Carson, other people. Their names escape me.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m starting to get bored by these debates. No one asked me but I would like to see them have a drunk debate. Everyone gets loaded and we find out what they really think about things.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The debate was televised on the Fox Business Channel. Between now and November of next year, every cable network gets a debate. Next week is the E! News debate moderated by Ryan Seacrest and Caitlyn Jenner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Only the candidates polling above 2.5 percent got to be in the main debate tonight. The other guys were demoted to the kids’ table, the early debate. Good luck fighting Chris Christie for the McNuggets at the kids’ table.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH.” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday when asked if he could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, Jeb Bush responded, ‘Hell yeah, I would!’ I’m OK with him saying he’d kill baby Hitler. I’m not OK with him saying ‘Hell yeah’ he’d kill baby Hitler. It’s a complex hypothetical question, not a waitress asking you if you want another plate of chicken wings, Jeb.” – James Corden

“Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, ‘You gotta step up, man.’ And it’s comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, ‘You gotta step down, man.'” – Seth Meyers

“While we’re taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I’m kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. I think Ben Carson would travel back to his childhood so that he can really stab that guy.” – James Corden

“Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding — Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump actually claimed to already have a time machine. It is true. He said, ‘It’s huge and beautiful and I made Mexico pay for it.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump said Ben Carson is wrong about the Egyptian pyramids being used to store grain, because the pyramids are solid. And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly sums up the Republican presidential race.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump weighed in on the controversial decision by Starbucks to remove Christmas imagery from their holiday cups, saying, ‘If I become president, we’re all going to be saying Merry Christmas again.’ Though the only way I could see Donald Trump saying ‘Merry Christmas’ is if he’s correcting someone who just said ‘Feliz Navidad’.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald also weighed in on the important subject of Starbucks not having Christmas-themed designs on their cups this year. ‘I don’t care if you’ve got three yarmulkes on, you’re going to say Merry Christmas, damn it.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, Donald Trump said that he’s thinking about boycotting Starbucks because ‘Merry Christmas’ isn’t printed on its red holiday cups. Trump was like, ‘Everything should have one of two things written on it: ‘Merry Christmas’ or my name.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said if he becomes president, Americans will be ‘saying Merry Christmas again.’ Which may be true, but if he becomes president, we’ll be saying it from our new homes in Canada.” – Conan O’Brien

“Because Donald Trump hosted ‘Saturday Night Live’, NBC is now obligated to give the other presidential candidates free air time. As a result, each candidate will appear as a tattoo on that girl from ‘Blindspot’.” – Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new ‘Triple Threat Box’, which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, ‘A wallet’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson recently went on Facebook to offer proof that the events he talked about in his life really happened. Which is ironic, because people usually go on Facebook to DELETE proof that events in their life happened.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. In other words, he’s new to Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien

“A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it’s a weed scholarship, because it actually pays for 11 years of college.” – Jimmy Fallon