“As I’m sure you’ve heard, Donald Trump is in the building getting ready to host ‘Saturday Night Live’. There’s actually a lot of anti-Trump protesters outside the building — or as Trump put it, ‘Those people have been lining up for days to see me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump put out his first paid campaign ads today. He bought them himself. You know, he doesn’t take money from super PACs. He earns it the old-fashioned way, by selling cologne at Rite Aid.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In an interview yesterday, Trump and CNN anchor Chris Cuomo got in a heated argument after Trump repeatedly insulted reporter Sara Murray. CNN was like, ‘Guys, keep it down! You’ll wake the viewers!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President George H.W. Bush has a new biography coming out titled ‘Destiny and Power.’ While Jeb Bush has a new biography titled neither of those.” – Seth Meyers
“A new Quinnipiac University poll came out yesterday that shows Donald Trump back on top of Ben Carson, 24 to 23 percent, and Jeb Bush is now down to only 4 percent. More people picked Bit-O-Honey as their favorite Halloween candy than support Jeb Bush for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Dr. Ben Carson’s campaign today released a new 60-second radio ad that uses rap music to try to appeal to black voters. So there you have it: Get out and vote for Ben Carson on November 3rd, 1992.” – Seth Meyers
“Dr. Ben Carson said this week he would like to have a beer with Jesus. When reached for comment, Jesus said, ‘Oh, I have to work tomorrow.'” – Seth Meyers
“I saw that this week marks one year until the 2016 election. Or as Hillary calls that, ‘Five years until my re-election.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton is here with us tonight and we’ll be touching on all the big topics: the economy, climate change, ISIS, whether Khloe should take Lamar back, everything.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new report found that Hillary Clinton’s campaign most often eats pizza for meals. While Chris Christie’s campaign most often eats pizza for snacks.” – Seth Meyers
