“New York has a team in the World Series and Donald Trump is no longer ahead in the polls — I think we’re back to normal, everyone!” – Jimmy Fallon
“In response to his drop to second in the polls, Donald Trump said today that he will run until the very end and does not mind running from behind. Trump says he knows what it’s like to be the underdog, because he wears one on his head.” – Seth Meyers
“Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“One of the top political Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Meanwhile, even Jeb Bush doesn’t want to go out dressed as Jeb Bush.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former President George W. Bush yesterday spoke to voters on his brother’s behalf, and told them ‘one reason Jeb is going to win is because he’s a fierce competitor.’ Adding, ‘And one reason he’s going to lose is because of me.'” – Seth Meyers
“Chris Christie was kicked out of the Amtrak quiet car for making too much noise. Christie said it wasn’t him that was making the noise, it was his eight-pound block of peanut brittle.” – Conan O’Brien
“Paul Ryan finally agreed to run for Speaker of the House even though he’s repeatedly said he didn’t want to run. So basically, Paul Ryan is that guy at karaoke who just pretends like he doesn’t want to sing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave a speech in Chicago this afternoon and told police they have ‘work to do to restore trust’ in minority communities. It was going pretty well, but halfway through the speech, Obama got pulled over.” – Seth Meyers
“Russia is making plans to send four monkeys to Mars. Not as preparation for a human mission — but because the monkeys criticized Vladimir Putin.” – Conan O’Brien
“A cracker that survived the sinking of the Titanic sold today for $23,000. Experts say the 100-year-old Titanic cracker pairs very well with any hot dog from 7-Eleven.” – Conan O’Brien
