“Bernie Sanders praised Joe Biden’s decision not to run. Sanders said, ‘There’s only room for one goofy old dude.'” – Conan O’Brien
“After a lot of speculation, Vice President Joe Biden today announced that he is not running for president of the United States. He made the announcement this afternoon from the Rose Garden at the White House. It’s weird to hold a press conference to say you’re not doing something, right? Like announcing to your girlfriend that you won’t be proposing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog.” – Conan O’Brien
“Biden said the window is closed on a presidential campaign, which is true. The election is only 13 months away. There’s barely enough time to put a suit on.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t know if anybody was watching the Benghazi hearings. They were going all day. There was one moment when a representative told Hillary Clinton he could wait while she read her notes. She said, ‘I can do more than one thing at a time.’ Then Bill Clinton said, ‘When I say that, I get in trouble.'” – Conan O’Brien
“At the White House the other day, President Obama sang to Usher. And because the president was singing, Usher went to the Situation Room and approved a drone strike in Syria.” – Conan O’Brien
Today is ‘Back to the Future’ Day. It’s the day Marty McFly traveled forward in time only to find out the most important thing to people in 2015 is movies from the ’80s.” – Conan O’Brien
