“The race for president is really starting to get competitive, and Donald Trump recently said that he’s actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the Geico lizard was like, ‘I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“They’re saying that Republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neurosurgeon and even left a sponge in one patient’s brain. When asked how it affected his life, the patient was like ‘It’s fine, I’m still running for president. I don’t care. Everything’s great. It’s gonna be huge.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, ‘I believe you want the guy behind the counter.’ So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson.” – Seth Meyers
“Republican presidential hopeful John Kasich made fun of a young woman at a campaign event this week by calling on her for a question and saying, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift tickets.’ This morning Taylor Swift announced that John Kasich is out of the squad.” – Seth Meyers
“House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner’s replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself ‘unfit’ for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against President Obama’s Trans-Pacific Partnership Trade Agreement, also known as the TPP. Which is weird, because when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, ‘Yeah, you know me. A flip, flop, the flippy to the flippity, flip, flip, flip, flop, you don’t stop…'” – Jimmy Fallon
“California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season.” – Conan O’Brien
