“Lawyers for Kim Davis say the embattled county clerk was given a secret audience with Pope Francis last Thursday. And since it was a workday, her schedule was wide open.” – Seth Meyers
“While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told, ‘There’s a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you.'” – Conan O’Brien
“In an interview today, Kim Davis said that her meeting with Pope Francis last week ‘kind of validates everything’. Well, except for a lot of marriage licenses.” – Seth Meyers
“Last week Pope Francis carved time out to meet with Kim Davis, the woman who refused to issue the same-sex marriage license in Kentucky. The reason they met is the Pope wanted to deliver a message to Kim about God, which was ‘Fire your stylist’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump is slumping in the polls. Don’t leave me, Donald. Don’t you understand, if you go away, I’m going to have to talk about those other boring people. I’m going to have to learn their names. I think one of them is Marco Rubio. Am I saying that right? Is it Marco Rubio, or is it Mark O’Rubio? And for the record, I was just crossing two cultures.” – Stephen Colbert
“I like Donald Trump’s way of thinking. It’s not how much money you have, it’s how much money you feel you have.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The New York Times Magazine just did a big profile on Donald Trump, who some say is still the front-runner for the Republican nomination. And get this, it turns out that he usually gets only four hours of sleep at night. Which explains why today he looked in the mirror and said, ‘You’re tired’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The story says that Donald Trump gets so little sleep, he actually suffers from sleep deprivation. Then again, so do most people who think about Donald Trump becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump’s wife, an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. She said, in return, he lets me be in America.” – Conan O’Brien
“Governor Bobby Jindal’s presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the “Duck Dynasty” cast supports him and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign.” – Conan O’Brien
“CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It’ll feel like you’re seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she’s not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!” – Stephen Colbert
“NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: Who’s following the NSA on Twitter?” – Jimmy Fallon
