“President Obama and Vladimir Putin met yesterday at the U.N., but the White House and the Kremlin have been disagreeing about who asked whom to meet. For my younger viewers, that means they were arguing about who swiped right first.” – Jimmy Fallon
“While in New York City, President Obama and Vladimir Putin met and the meeting was described as awkward. Apparently Obama was upset that he looks nothing like his Tinder photo.” – Conan O’Brien
“After their meeting got off to a tense start, Obama and Putin wound up talking for 90 minutes, and Putin described the talks as ‘surprisingly open’. Putin said it was the most productive conversation he’d ever had with someone who wasn’t tied to a chair.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On Friday, despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account.” – Stephen Colbert
“The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of ‘infinite’.” – Stephen Colbert
“Of course, step one in lowering emissions is trading in their Volkswagens.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump told The New York Times that he’s only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump came out with this proposal for a new tax plan yesterday. Just like a real presidential candidate would do! It’s kind of adorable.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump plans to raise taxes on the very rich — which doesn’t include him because he’s very, VERY rich.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Under Trump you won’t have to pay any income taxes if you make less than $25,000 a year, if you and your spouse make under $50,000 a year, and if you capture an illegal Mexican you won’t pay any taxes at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a speech Marco Rubio talked about the danger of electing a president who does not understand technology. Unfortunately, Rubio’s speech was interrupted when his beeper went off. He had to get to a pay phone.” – Conan O’Brien
“When asked today if his low poll numbers would make him consider dropping out of the presidential race, Senator Lindsey Graham told reporters, ‘Hell no’. Which, also, incidentally, is his poll number.” – Seth Meyers
“Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman Bob Brady decided he wanted a unique memento of the papal visit. After the Pope finished his speech to Congress, Brady helped himself to the very glass of water that the pontiff had been sipping from as he made his address. Congressman Brady, here’s the thing — it won’t give you superpowers. It’s not like getting bitten by a radioactive Pope.” – Stephen Colbert
