Political Irony

“Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she’s really troubled by John McCain’s choice for vice president.” -Conan O’Brien

“I understand that Sarah Palin has been preparing all week at John McCain’s ranch in Arizona. She said looking out at the desert gave her a real feel for the Middle East.” -Jay Leno

“Political experts say that one mistake by Sarah Palin tonight could be crushing to John McCain’s campaign. However, they say 20 or 30 mistakes by Palin could be really funny.” -Conan O’Brien

“The big question, I don’t know if anyone has asked yet, while Sarah Palin is yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who’s keeping an eye on the Russians? I feel very unprotected right now.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But I try to be upbeat about things like this. And you look at that debate and by God, it was historic, it really was historic. I think it was the first time they ever used a laugh track.” -David Letterman

“I loved the back and forth arguing, both sides of the issues. And that was just Joe Biden. He was talking to himself.” -David Letterman

“Before the debate, Biden’s team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Palin directly and instead, focus on linking John McCain to George Bush and the economy. Palin’s people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, flush him out into an open area, and then go for a clean shot through the lungs. You don’t want to mess up the head — that’s the trophy.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But say what you will. I got to give Sarah Palin a lot of credit. I thought she did pretty well in the debate. After all, she was in over her hair.” -David Letterman

“Now, of course, everyone’s still talking about Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric, where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Yeah, apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese.” -Conan O’Brien

“Did you see that interview with Katie Couric? Oh, man. Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin what newspapers she reads, and she could not name a single newspaper that she reads. Which wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t have a degree in journalism.” -Jay Leno

“This is the first time an Alaskan has ever been on a national ticket, and it also might be the last, depending on how it goes. So across the state of Alaska, all eyes were on the debate. Pipeline workers set aside their wrenches, trappers dropped their beaver pelts, whalers put down their blubber knives, Eskimo families took a break from loading their grandparents onto ice floes. There has not been this much excitement in Alaska since the last time they saw the sun, quite frankly.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Larry Flynt announced he’s making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive. Barack Obama called it inappropriate. Bill Clinton said he’ll reserve judgment until he sees the film.” -Conan O’Brien

“According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president.” -Jay Leno

“Last night, the Senate passed the bailout bill, 74-25. They said one of the reason it passed is that lawmakers stopped calling it a bailout bill, and started calling it a rescue bill. See, they changed the name. I’m sorry. Isn’t that called putting lipstick on a pig?” -Jay Leno

“The Senate passed it last night and they say the House will probably pass it tomorrow. In fact, the only thing that could screw it up at this is if John McCain steps in and tries to help out again.” -Jay Leno

“With the new provisions the Senate added, it’s now gonna cost $800 billion. We should have signed it two days ago when it was $700 billion. Two days later, they screwed us out of another $100 billion!” -Jay Leno

“The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. And it just doesn’t seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.” -David Letterman

“A new study has found that the number of illegal immigrants coming into the United States has declined as our economy has faltered. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, ‘Do I know how to fix a problem or what?'” -Conan O’Brien

“President Bush said today, if our nation continues on this course, the economic damage will be painful and lasting. But the good news? After eight years of Bush, we can handle painful and lasting.” -Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.” -David Letterman

“In international news, the man considered to be the leader of the Taliban … inside of Pakistan, has died of kidney failure. See, that’s when you know the war on terrorism has gone on for too long. When our enemies are dying of natural causes.” -Jay Leno