“The big story right now is Pope Francis visiting the U.S., and I saw that yesterday, the Pope’s plane couldn’t land right away because he arrived earlier than planned. That’s right, the Pope’s flight was early. So I guess he really CAN perform miracles!” – Jimmy Fallon
“New York City plans to deploy an extra 6,000 police officers to help guard Pope Francis during his visit. It’ll be the most protection a Catholic has ever used.” – Seth Meyers
“The Pope is at the White House today, the band played the Vatican’s national anthem. The Vatican has a national anthem, isn’t that crazy? Apparently it’s Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Francis is here. He got in yesterday. He didn’t do anything last night, they want him to rest for his hectic schedule the next few days. He did get some rest — much of it during his welcoming ceremony on the south lawn of the White House. That’s one thing about being Pope — nobody knows when you’re sleeping or when you’re praying.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama this morning gave Pope Francis a sculpture of an ascending dove made with pieces of the Statue of Liberty and wood taken from the White House lawn, as well as a key to the house of the first American-born saint. The Pope then said, ‘Oh, I didn’t get you anything’ and quietly put a $40 Starbucks gift card back in his pocket.” – Seth Meyers
“The Pope addressed about 11,000 people at the welcoming event. He spoke about climate change. He said it’s a problem that ‘can no longer be left to a future generation.’ Global warming is a very important issue for the Pope because as you know he has to wear a floor-length, long-sleeved gown to work every day and it’s hot.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“On Saturday, the Pope will attend an event hosted by Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg said, ‘I’m wicked pumped to meet the [bleep] Pope. Somebody get the Pope a shot.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Dalai Lama raised some eyebrows during a recent interview when he said that if a future Dalai Lama is female, she would have to be very attractive, otherwise there’s ‘not much use’. Man, I knew the Dalai Lama believed in reincarnation, but I never realized he’d come back as Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie has reportedly ordered the commander of the state National Guard to lose weight. That is how you put the hippo in hypocrite.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn’t, Christie will eat him.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Christie had a secret lap band surgery two years ago. Apparently the surgery was even a secret to his stomach. He had a band put around his stomach. And that band by the way? Bon Jovi.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train.” – Seth Meyers
