“We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker’s personal phone number.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is still leading all Republican candidates for president. A new Quinnipiac University poll, which of all the major polls is the hardest to say, has Donald Trump ahead.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“While Donald Trump leads the Republican field by a wide margin right now, he seems to be unelectable. The same poll shows him losing to Hillary Clinton by 12 points. Losing to Joe Biden by 12 points. Losing by 8 points to Bernie Sanders. He’s 5 points behind Bill Cosby.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will ‘ride into the sunset’. And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she’s gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You hear less about Hillary Clinton, she’s not giving a lot of interviews because I think she’s looking at everyone else who’s running for president, and she’s thinking, ‘If I keep my mouth shut, I think I’ve got this thing.'” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton revealed today she thinks her biggest weakness is her impatience. Said the interviewer, ‘Mrs. Clinton, I haven’t asked you anything yet.'” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president.” – Seth Meyers
“I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to 17. Here’s how I know that’s too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I’d be like, ‘NOPE! I’ll hold it until 2020.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This isn’t good. Democratic Congressman Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania could face up to 100 years in jail, after he was charged with several counts of corruption. Which would explain Chaka’s new name: Chaka Con.” – Jimmy Fallon
