“I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he’s selling it now, Trump said ‘Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I’m selling, so why not strike while the iron’s hot.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Three of Donald Trump’s kids have come forward to defend him, and called him ‘an incredible dad and role model’. Donald was so moved that he wrote one of them back into his will. ‘I’m not gonna tell you which one … it’s Donald Jr.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book ‘The Art of the Deal’, and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, ‘It worked for us — you guys got screwed!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner.” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced they’re withdrawing Boston’s bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games. We have not been able to get a majority of the citizens of Boston to support hosting the 2024 Olympic Games. The only thing they support is throwing beer bottles at Yankees fans.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The USOC has to come up with another city from the United States to bid against Paris, Rome, and Toronto, and most people think that city will be Los Angeles — which is exciting. The summer Olympics could bring some much-needed traffic to the L.A. area.” – Jimmy Kimmel
