“Donald Trump has been all over the news this week, but he’s still struggling to be seen as a legitimate candidate by Republicans. In fact, now Trump is threatening to start campaigning as a third-party candidate if the Republican Party doesn’t become more supportive. Of course, a lot of Republicans say you need to give respect to get respect. To which Trump says, ‘Whatever, LOSERS!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, ‘Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He’s on your side!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The FEC released Donald Trump’s financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The bad news is, the books aren’t selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he’s got something to build that Mexican fence with! ‘It’s a very classy book-fence!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of ‘demagoguery,’ and said that he must be ‘excised and discarded.’ So one thing is clear: somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar.” – Seth Meyers
“Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke’s on them, though, he’s never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It’s what gets him through long meetings!)” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels. “– Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that’s not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. ‘Hillary Clinton? She’s a cop?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sources say the Obama administration is in the ‘final stages’ of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.” – Jimmy Fallon
