“It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, ‘That’s great! Wait, WHAT?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we’re giving the Iranians Netflix.” – Conan O’Brien
“The president of Iran prematurely announced the nuclear deal on Twitter yesterday before it was official. Which isn’t that big a deal until you realize the guy who almost had nukes is known for accidentally hitting ‘Send’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They’re drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That’s how excited they are.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new poll, 55 percent of Americans do not trust that Iran will abide by the terms of the nuclear deal. It’s the same 55 percent who are running for the Republican nomination.” – Seth Meyers
“Today Donald Trump’s official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country.” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday President Obama announced that he is commuting the sentences of 46 prisoners, most of whom committed nonviolent crimes. Then those 46 convicts said, ‘Actually we already escaped. Thanks for thinking of us, though.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they’ll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely.” – Seth Meyers
