Political Irony

“The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place tomorrow night in St. Louis. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware faces off with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock, trying to figure out how to run an internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her the information. Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night’s debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night’s swimsuit competition.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow night is the vice presidential debate, also known as the debate to nowhere.” -David Letterman

“The vice presidential debate is tomorrow night. Joe Biden already gearing up. I understand he went to the hair salon, told the guy to put a little more on top just to get ready.” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin, she’s getting ready for tomorrow’s debate, too. I understand she now knows all three branches of government.” -Jay Leno

“I don’t know if Palin is ready. You know you’re in trouble, debating like this, you know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle did.” -David Letterman

“Well, some people think Sarah Palin took a swipe at Joe Biden’s age when she said that she had been listening to Biden’s speeches since the second grade. Which is kind of ironic, because Biden has been listening to McCain’s speeches since he was in the second grade.” -Jay Leno

“But don’t kid yourself. This is for all the marbles, this debate tomorrow night. And Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She’s working hard on preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today in Arizona we just heard that she shot a donkey.” -David Letterman

“But Sarah Palin right now is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona. And she says it has really helped her on foreign policy, because from Arizona she can see Mexico.” -David Letterman

“Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey.” -Jay Leno

“See, you’ve got to admit, Sarah Palin does look great when they walk out, but that’s causing a problem for McCain now. In fact, now they call the ticket ‘Beauty and the Deceased.'” -Jay Leno

“Hugh Hefner asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy magazine. The last vice presidential candidate to be asked to pose naked was Lloyd Benson.” -David Letterman

“Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the ‘CBS Evening News’? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn’t read. And then I thought, well, hell it’s worked pretty good for George Bush.” -David Letterman

“It’s been reported that John McCain is taking an herbal supplement to improve his memory. Apparently, McCain is having trouble remembering why he picked Sarah Palin.” -Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of Sarah Palin, I don’t know if you saw this, but last night during an interview on CBS, Sarah Palin said, this is a quote, ‘One of my best friends is a lesbian and I love her dearly.’ Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Prove it.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Here’s some good news. The government is talking about stimulus checks again. The bad news? We’re the ones that are writing them.” -Jay Leno

“A new poll shows that only one out of four people approve of the job President Bush is doing. One out of four. That means, when he’s having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.” -Jay Leno

“Congress trying very hard, once again, with this bailout plan. And economists are now claiming that our nation’s leaders did not properly explain the bailout plan to the public. That was the problem, yeah. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘While you’re at it, could someone explain it to me?'” -Conan O’Brien

“The Senate voted on this bailout package again tonight. Senator Larry Craig missed the vote. I understand he was in the men’s room, introducing his own package.” -Jay Leno

“Aren’t you tired of hearing these economic experts talking on TV? It’s time for America to get back to air-headed celebrities. Britney, Paris, Lindsay, your country needs you right now. I mean, what would you rather focus on, some Wall Street guy who lost his shirt, or Britney losing her panties?” -Jay Leno

“Earlier this evening, there was a big Hollywood fund-raiser for John McCain. I don’t want to say there weren’t a lot of celebrities there, but it was billed of the night of one star. Yeah, I think that was it. I think it was Chuck Norris.” -Jay Leno

“New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg says he’s interested in running for another term, but there’s resistance because the law would have to be changed to allow for a third term. Yeah, it’s not that people have a big problem with Mike Bloomberg, they just don’t want to give President Bush any ideas.” -Conan O’Brien