“People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can’t see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back.” – Seth Meyers
“According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Apparently there are incriminating texts and emails about what they call Deflategate. Earlier today Hillary Clinton announced that she would be happy to delete them.” – David Letterman
“A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to ‘Dude, ranches’.” – Jimmy Fallon
