“Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many people suddenly trying to jump the White House fence? Is this the new ice bucket challenge or something?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.” – Seth Meyers
“Because of all the jumpers, they are thinking of putting steel spikes on top of the fence, which is crazy. The White House fence doesn’t already have spikes? Garbage dumps have spikes on the fence. There are abandoned Blockbuster video store fences that have spikes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.” – David Letterman
“Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” – David Letterman
“In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr.” – Jimmy Kimmel
