“Today the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called ‘a crap sandwich.’ Yeah, that’s what he said. Congress hasn’t given up though. They’re already working on a new plan which they call ‘a crap sandwich with cheese.'” -Conan O’Brien
“As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.” -Jay Leno
“The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it’s heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors.” -Jay Leno
“Now today, I don’t want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list.” -Conan O’Brien
“This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don’t know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don’t look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah’s house.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Senator John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts: he bailed out on me.” -David Letterman
“I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that’s good enough for me, let’s go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets.” -David Letterman
“I don’t know if you can tell, and I can tell, and I’m no pundit; I know nothing about politics, but even I can tell that John McCain is trying to distance himself from George W. Bush. Have you noticed that? He has no use for Bush. He… wait a minute, hold it, I’m sorry. My mistake: I’m thinking of Clay Aiken.” -David Letterman
“Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night? You know, a lot of analysts were calling it a tie; they say neither man stumbled. That’s how low the bar is now. Apparently not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics. He didn’t stumble, fantastic!” -Jay Leno
“Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder.” -Conan O’Brien
“I love the way the moderator, Jim Lehrer, tried to get both candidates to talk to each other. What are we in couples-counseling now? ‘Tell him how that made you feel.'” -Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin actually watched the debates very closely. Actually she watched with one eye the debate and the other eye across on Russia, because you never know.” -Jay Leno
“A lot of Republicans are worried about how Sarah Palin’s gonna do in the vice-presidential debate this Thursday. See you know what she should do if she was smart? This what I would do if I were Sarah Palin. This is what I would tell her. Let Joe Biden have the first question, he’ll take 90 minutes to answer, oh, we’re out of time! Who could have seen that coming?” -Jay Leno
“Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric last week, and they’re saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential.” -Conan O’Brien
“Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right now, you know, she’s busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate.” -Jay Leno
“Hugh Hefner is entering the fray. Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Yeah, and Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.” -Conan O’Brien
“Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it.” -Jay Leno
