“President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.” – David Letterman
“Clearly the situational ethics of this country’s leadership is easy to catalog, but the real takeaway from this seems to be no matter how evil our president or our Congress believes Iran to be, they would each rather deal with the ayatollah than each other.” – Jon Stewart (on 47 Republican Senators sending a letter to Iran about a nuclear deal)
“The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.” – David Letterman”
“Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.” – David Letterman
“This is a very big week for us here. Tomorrow night on our show we get a visit from President Obama, which means that all of you here tonight just missed having to get a cavity search to get in here tonight.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Manny is with us now. Hey, if you come back tomorrow we won’t need the Secret Service to protect President Obama. You can do it with your fists alone.” – Jimmy Kimmel
There’s some kind of a thing where when [Clinton] was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.” – David Letterman
“So the Florida Department of Environmental Protection can’t use the term ‘climate change’?” That’s like telling Rudy Giuliani he can’t use the word ‘9-11.’ ” – Larry Wilmore on “The Nightly Show”
“Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see any more beady-eyed little weasels, I’ll just keep riding the subway.” – David Letterman
“Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.” – David Letterman
“Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.” – David Letterman
