“President Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California, and then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. And 10,000 people stranded at Boston’s Logan Airport just became Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama’s executive order on immigration. When asked if he’s mad about being overruled, Obama said, ‘You know I’ve been married for 23 years, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“First lady Michelle Obama revealed that she has banned boxed macaroni and cheese from the White House. It’s been tough on Biden because he couldn’t make his wife any jewelry for Valentine’s Day.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the ‘right look’ to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits.” – Seth Meyers
“Last night during a speech, Chris Christie said, ‘There’s only one Chris Christie, and this is it.’ I don’t know. It still looks like at least two.” – Seth Meyers
“Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, ‘There’s only one Chris Christie.’ He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he’s buying seats on a plane.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I spent the past four days in Cuba shooting a special episode of this show. I returned and today House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Cuba, which explains why the Cuban government asked America to ‘please stop sending us your ambiguously popular celebrities.'” – Conan O’Brien
“I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it’s very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It’s all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement today, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, ‘Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine’.” – Seth Meyers
