“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it’ll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney will reportedly address the Republican National Committee on Friday to talk about a possible third presidential run. It’s never a good sign when you have to start your speech with ‘Hear me out’.” – Seth Meyers
“Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He’s almost certainly running, and I’m almost certainly retiring, so I don’t care.” – David Letterman
“It’s rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, ‘Lingering Awkwardness’ was actually Mitt Romney’s Secret Service code name.” – Jimmy Fallon
“John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn’t that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?” – David Letterman
“A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It’s not helping that he apologized to Hitler.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is focused now on cyber security. He’s pushing for new laws to protect companies from hackers. And who better to do that than the people who brought us the Obamacare website? Not only couldn’t hackers get in, no one could penetrate it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The IRS is warning that there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year because of budget cuts. They’re expecting so many delays that they’re renaming themselves the DMV.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The good news regarding the IRS budget cuts is that they also won’t be auditing as many people. So if you’ve been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents this might be the year to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours.” – Seth Meyers
“Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, ‘Just keeping my options open. It’s a dicey job market. You never know.'” – Conan O’Brien
