“A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed to overseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney is reportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. And somehow, miraculously, none of them were busy with other stuff.” – Seth Meyers
“Days after Mitt Romney announced he is considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won’t say who he’ll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb … Job, I mean job.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.” – David Letterman
“Republican Mike Huckabee criticized the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyoncé, due to her explicit lyrics. So now the Obama girls are faced with the tough choice every teen must eventually make — listen to Beyoncé or Mike Huckabee.” – Conan O’Brien
“A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.” – Conan O’Brien
“Fidel Castro, who hasn’t been publicly seen for more than a year, wrote a personal letter referencing current events to prove he is still alive. And nothing says ‘I’m alive in 2015’ like writing a letter.” – Seth Meyers
“Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don’t confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That’s urban quagmire.” – David Letterman
