“President Obama posted a video on Facebook yesterday announcing his plan to make the first two years of community college free. Unfortunately he was interrupted when Biden got confused and threw a bucket of ice water on his head.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has issued three veto threats in just two days. Meanwhile, Chris Christie has threatened four Vitos, two Charlies, and a Doug.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton is the leading presidential contender for the Democrats. Former Clinton aide John Podesta said Hillary will highlight her differences with President Obama if she runs. The biggest difference: Hillary is still interested in being president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade’s worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they’re nothing alike. They’re just both former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former Arkansas governor and potential 2016 candidate Mike Huckabee is releasing his 12th book later this month called, ‘God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.’ The craziest part: that’s just his favorite aisle at Walmart.” – Jimmy Fallon
“California’s 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline ’74-Year-Old Boxer’, I assumed they were making another ‘Rocky’ movie.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is the birthday of Elvis Presley and dictator Kim Jong Un. Elvis would’ve been 80 today. Kim Jong Un is either 32 or 33. They actually aren’t sure. North Korean scholars agree that when he entered the world a silver eagle ascended and promised 1,000 years of prosperity for his people. That should kick in any day now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.” – David Letterman
“Last year Kim Jong Un had Dennis Rodman on hand to sing to him. This year he had a low-key celebration. He spent the day at home reading Sony’s emails. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
