“Tomorrow night President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama’s favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He’s tired of all this.” – Conan O’Brien
“Analysts say Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.” – Conan O’Brien
“Germany has overtaken the United States as the world’s favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The favorite country survey was based on more than 20,000 people in 20 countries. Isn’t it a little bit unfair that they did this before the McRib came back?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who’ve been outside today said, ‘Sounds good to me. Let’s accelerate that global warming.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address — while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!” – David Letterman
