“Health officials in countries affected by Ebola are encouraging people to stop shaking hands, and instead give an “Ebola handshake,” which is when you bump elbows with someone. That would be a great idea if they hadn’t spent the past five years telling us to sneeze into our elbows.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sunday is the New York City Marathon. Good luck to everybody who will be participating. Hillary Clinton, by the way, has not yet deciding whether she’ll be running.” – David Letterman
“Congratulations to the Giants for winning the World Series. Last night in San Francisco, there were big parades, with men dancing in the streets and taking their clothes off. Then they heard about the baseball and things went crazy.” – Craig Ferguson
“Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants! Last night the Giants beat the Kansas City Royals in Game 7 to win the World Series. Finally, an excuse for the city of San Francisco to have a parade.” – Seth Meyers
“Attorney General Eric Holder said the only person who could play him in a movie is Denzel Washington. Do you know who I think should play Holder? Oprah’s boyfriend, Stedman.” – Jimmy Fallon
