“At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, ‘Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend.’ He didn’t say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election.” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend President Obama told Americans not to panic about Ebola. Then when asked about the Democrats’ chances in the upcoming midterm elections, Obama said, ‘Man, that Ebola sure is scary.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Looks like they’re working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they’ve outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.” – Conan O’Brien
“The annual Wastebook report was released today. This is an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. I didn’t read it. I’m waiting for the movie to come out.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn’t sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don’t seem to be getting anything out of that, right? What we got is a report on how much money they waste, so thank you.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After embracing the gay community last week, the Vatican is now distancing itself from those comments. The Vatican explained, ‘Hey, that was just one crazy weekend, OK? We’ve all had them, right?'” – Conan O’Brien
“It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven’t been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples.” – Craig Ferguson
“Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania.” – Jimmy Fallon
