“During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn’t winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, ‘Well, not with THAT attitude.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.” – Seth Meyers
“New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered.” – David Letterman
“The marriage rate has hit an all-time low, with 1 in 5 adults over 25 having never been married. In fact, an ad firm has come up with slogans to get people on board. One slogan is: ‘Marriage, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back — half of it, anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He’s coming back to CNBC and he’s got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive.” – David Letterman
“Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won’t stop asking ‘Why?’ when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend.” – Jimmy Kimmel
