“It’s reported that President Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. It will backfire when the terrorists there say, ‘We’re not going out there. Those new terrorists are scary! I got four meals a day here and I get my nails done. I like it here.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, ‘I’ll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents.’ They’ll just wander out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The administration now has a name for the war against ISIS. Every military operation has to have a name so people can get behind it, and they now have a name for the war against ISIS – Operation Hillary’s Problem.” – David Letterman
“You know who they haven’t seen in a while, Kim Jung Un, evil dictator of North Korea. They haven’t seen him in, like, six weeks. He’s probably spending more time executing his family.” – David Letterman
“This is kind of weird. This week Obama criticized the GOP for being the party of billionaires — while he was speaking at a fundraiser at a billionaire’s house!” – Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t see how that story could get any worse. But did you see the name of that billionaire? He was Rich Richman. Are you kidding me? Rich Richman is the guy’s name? That sounds like a Batman villain. Rich Richman? Come on. Obama would have stayed longer, but he was late for his lunch with Dollars McMoneybags.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today is the birthday of White House dog Bo. He had a wonderful party at the White House — only three intruders … I believe Bo is actually now distancing himself from the president … It’s a bittersweet day for Bo because he was recently trashed in Leon Panetta’s book.” – David Letterman
“Right around the corner is the midterm elections. There’s an anti-incumbent mood in the country. People are sick and tired of people who have been in the job too long and are lazy and overpaid and out of ideas. Wait a minute. I’m sorry. That’s me.” – David Letterman
