“The White House has been having big security issues lately, after an intruder actually managed to jump the fence and make it inside. The White House actually said they will start locking the doors. When asked if he wanted a key, Biden said, ‘I’m fine just using the doggie door’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s bad enough when you’re president, but now there are guys hopping the fence. They beefed up security at the White House. Isn’t it about time? People were waiting in line to hop the fence.” – David Letterman
“People are still talking about this guy who hopped the fence and ran into the White House. President Obama is calling for a security crackdown. In fact, today he announced a new punishment for anyone who breaks into the White House: Now you have to be president.” – Conan O’Brien
“This guy gets all the way to the front porch of the White House. So they beefed it up. The security people added to the front door one of the sliding chain things.” – David Letterman
“This guy hopped the fence, ran across the White House lawn, and almost got inside the White House. And the Republicans said, ‘Well, let’s nominate this guy’.” – David Letterman
“House Speaker John Boehner is facing criticism over a recent speech where he suggested that unemployed people are lazy. Boehner would clarify his statements, but he was on his second two-week break of the month.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it’s already Tuesday.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.'” – David Letterman
“In an interview, Bill Clinton hinted that his daughter Chelsea’s baby is due in early October. Though it got weird when reporters asked if it’s a boy or a girl, and Hillary said, ‘I haven’t decided yet’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Unfortunately, the leaders of two of the world’s biggest polluters, China and India, did not show up for the summit. That’s like Daniel Day-Lewis and Meryl Streep not showing up for the Oscars.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media should be enough to put someone in jail. And if your mom is on Facebook, you know the answer is yes. Something has to stop her behavior.” – Seth Meyers
“According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they’ll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother’s maiden name.” – Jimmy Kimmel
