“There were some major security issues at the White House over the weekend. On Friday, a guy got to the front doors of the White House, and on Saturday another guy jumped over the White House fence. Officials are wondering why it’s so easy to get in, while Obama is wondering why it’s so hard to get out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Secret Service is under investigation after two different men made it onto the White House grounds this weekend after jumping the fence. Said President Obama, ‘Jumping the fence, huh? Why didn’t I think of that?'” – Seth Meyers
“A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to the front door. Is it just me or is ‘The Amazing Race’ running out of ideas?” – Conan O’Brien
“The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man jumped a fence and entered the White House. In their defense, when they saw a crazed maniac running down the White House lawn, they assumed it was Biden.” – Craig Ferguson
“The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they’ll start locking the front door. They’re also going to start asking who’s there when someone knocks.” – Conan O’Brien
“Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after President Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. I guess parents were afraid their kids would spend eight years at the school and still not get anything done.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today was the opening of the U.N. General Assembly. There were 100 representatives from 135 nations in New York City — all here to pay tribute to Derek Jeter.” – David Letterman
“About 400,000 people marched in New York today to draw attention to climate change. They held up signs and banners. They chanted things like ‘Hey, hey, ho, ho, fossil fuels have got to go.’ You know when somebody begins a chant with ‘Hey, hey, ho, ho,’ they mean business.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The militant group ISIS today released a new audio clip mocking American politicians, including John Kerry and John McCain. And Americans are really upset because they released it directly into everybody’s iTunes account.” – Seth Meyers
