“During President Obama’s visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama actually told the student, ‘No I was born in 1961.’ Then the kid said, ‘Where?’ Then Obama said, ‘Uh, next question’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“During a speech this week, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient’, just hours after he apologized for using another term that offended Jewish people. The White House calls Biden’s remarks ‘unfortunate’, while Obama calls them ‘a welcomed distraction’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient’, and also offended Jewish people. Which means he’s one ‘pull my finger’ away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is my 40th Birthday. And I’m not the only one having a birthday. This week, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley celebrated his 81st birthday by going on a 6-mile run. Seriously? I just got winded walking out here from backstage.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Islamic State is releasing its own ‘Grand Theft Auto’ style of video game. In their version, the worse crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.” – Conan O’Brien
